Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
