I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
