Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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