The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
