i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
