It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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