The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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