Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
