If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
