Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
