sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I think my vagina is haunted
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
