I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
