i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
