i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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