i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
