I don't usually arrange sex via text message
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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