The maid of honor just puked.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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