Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
