walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
