Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
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