she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
