Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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