His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
