my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
