I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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