You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
