I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
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I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
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He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize