I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
