I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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