I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
