got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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