I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
