I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
