Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
