Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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