i need an iv and a liver transplant
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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