Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
