Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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