The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
