I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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