So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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