Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
