when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
