Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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