I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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