i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
