please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
