Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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