Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
