I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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