in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
