You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
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Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I enjoy the company of your penis
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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