Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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