Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I looked at my own cervix.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
