Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
